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10 October 2008 -  Waiheke Island

Waiheke is an island lying about 20 nautical miles from Auckland in the Hauraki gulf. Surprisingly it is referred to as the “jewel of the gulf” but I wonder why.  The Island itself is unattractive and boring. Early colonists and farmers have stripped it bare of its trees making for a barren and boring landscape. The few trees left have become tourist curiosities. One coast is exposed to the almost constant battering of strong westerly winds making it very inhospitable, the sheltered coast is littered with ugly little holiday houses called “baches” and as many pompous and pretentious Tuscan style villas as genuine as a movie set.  Waiheke  also sports some of the ugliest examples of third Reich blockhaus architecture posing as trendy homes.

With the exception of a few sandy beaches polluted by hundreds of yatchies,  the shores are generally rocky and uninviting, most beaches are tidal beaches which means that at high tide there is no beach and at low tide there is no water, only mudflats. Most of the year, the water is generally far too cold to swim anyway. Onetangi is one very nice beach, unfortunately authorities have allowed the beach front to be build up with holiday houses on what should have been a public reserve and have even build a road right on the sand dunes. Ruined for all and forever.

The population is fairly homogenous and consists of white Caucasians. You see none of the cosmopolitan and colorful population of Auckland. The locals are generally uneducated, poor and rude, grumpy old hippies, frustrated solo mums, failed artists, retired school teachers, gay and lesbians in hiding, European escapists and a handful of somber looking South Americans.

Restaurants are few and either super expensive or really bad, often both. Other attractions include an old concrete tunnel that you can visit if you bring your own torch; it’s only good point is that admission is free. Other than that there is not much to do on this Island. The highlight of a stay on Waiheke is generally a visit to the Saturday community market where one can see a selection of local crafts such as feijoa preserves and a fascinating assortment of old electric frying pans and third hand items of clothing.

The main village is build over a not too unattractive beach but in their wisdom the locals have build a row of small shops and real estate offices completely blocking the view. It must be said that real estate is a very lively business on Waiheke. This is  because of the large turnover of residents. Many people buy on the Island hoping to enjoy Island life while retaining an Auckland income but after a couple of years they realise that Island life is limited to getting drunk and that the daily commute to Auckland is both expensive and tedious. They sell and vacate to make room for the next round of naive city dwellers to try the experiment. A good agent can sale the same place every couple of years a make a decent living with only a small list of properties.

Despite all this, Waiheke  inexplicably attracts hordes of tourist destroying what peace the locals may enjoy. Tourists are clumsy, stupid, ridiculous with their white hairy legs sticking out of brand new shorts and noisy and leave behind them a trail of litter. Their tour the island in huge ugly buses burning more diesel than Kyoto would allow.  Most come to Waiheke to get seriously drunk. The Island prides itself on producing some of the priciest and most unpalatable wine you’ll ever come across, yet hordes of unsophisticated Aucklanders visit many of the fake Mediterranean wineries to get seriously pissed at the numerous large scale piss up disguised as Jazz festivals, Wine festivals, Weddings, Corporate functions and other grand opportunities to consume alcohol. You could call Waiheke “the Island of booze ” rather than “the jewel of the gulf”. 

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